Empathy is Hard Work- Don't beat yourself up !

If I see another T-shirt that tells me to " Just be Kind " or "Kindness Matters" or "Being Kind costs nothing " and such other sanctimonius toxic positive quotes , I just might throw up. In no other area does this moralising and sanctimonius policing of our behavior happen , than in discussions around empathy. Now amongst all the litany of fantastic traits to be a decent human being , we also have to be "kind", "empathic" and "compassionate". The irony is that people who moralise others and use guilt are not empathic at all. They are practising the exact opposite of what they are preaching. Also , it has the opposite effect. When I hear someone preaching "Just be Kind" , I want to be very unkind to this person. 

So take heart ! If you are on a self development life journey and you want to be a real practictioner of empathy - this article will go deep in the trenches to understand what empathy really is and how you can learn to be more empathic - Even if you just yelled at the delivery guy for bringing Samosas instead of Kachoris - you are not a lost cause. Don't beat yourself up. Just stay calm and read on.

What is Empathy? 

The word Empathy comes from the German word "Einfühlung" , described by mid 19th century aestheticians to describe a work of art , and feel it from within : i.e. resonate from within. A psychologist Theodor Lipp , expanded this meaning to "feeling one's way into the experience of another". More recently neurobiologists have discovered that it is a hard-wired capacity. The ability of empathic individuals unconscious ability to mimic other's gestures, facial expressions etc. have been proven. Mirror neurons - when scientist pricked a needle into a person - the observer showed the same brain activity as the person being pricked i.e the same motor and sensory brain regions were activated. All this leads us to believe that empathy is indeed hard-wired. Other studies show that we do feel the pain of others in an attenuated form. 

Many people who study empathy have mourned the fact that there is no consensus amongst scholars on the definition of empathy. This becomes problematic for common people like educators, Organisational development professionals, leaders and just those of us who want to be better people. I will refer to us as "practitioners of empathy". In a review article , Eklund and Meranius (2021) , reviewed several definitions of empathy and found the following common themes: 

Most of the definitions of empathy had the following four themes: 

 In Empathy , the empathizer :

(1) understands

(2) feels

(3) shares another person’s world

(4) with self-other differentiation.

These 4 dimensions are not seperate from each other but are interdependant and form a holistic definition of the phenomenon of empathy.

The aspect of self-other differentiation is also emphasized by Carl Rogers in his iconic work : "An empathic way of being". 

Rogers stated that empathy is “to perceive the internal frame of reference of another with accuracy and with the emotional components and meanings which pertain thereto as if one were the person, but without ever losing the ‘as if’ condition"

It is important to note here that empathy is a very delicate balance between going on the journey of another person and not "losing oneself" and becoming identified with the other. Identification with the other is not empathy. As empathy to be fulfilled needs us not to lose the self-other differentiation.

Empathy plays a very important role in society , enabling us to understand each other , and provide an emotional connection between people. In the past it was thought that it is in-born and cannot be taught , recent research has disputed this claim. This is very heartening news for us practitioners. Not only , can we learn this skill, we can also improve on our ability to be empathic with practice.

Different types of Empathy

Recently researchers differentiate mainly between two types of empathy : 

Affective Empathy : These are all the sensations and feelings we get in response to another's emotions. For e.g when you see somone crying , you might feel sad too. This can also include mirroring, when we sense another person's fear and anxiety.

Cognitive Empathy : This is also called perspective taking. It refers to the skill which enables us not only to identify but also to understand another person's emotions. Managers that are good at perspective taking were able to motivate employees to give their best efforts, according to a study at University of Birmingham. 

Pauk Ekman and Daniel Goleman have gone one step ahead and distinguished a third type of empathy called Compassionate Empathy which goes beyond understanding and motivates people to take action to help the person we feel empathy towards.

Dan Siegel adds two more types of empathy to this called Empathic Imagination , it is the thinking and imagining of what one could do to make the other person feel better and Empathic Joy is feeling joy in the happiness of others. 

There is a russian doll model of empathy that was developed by De Waal  which shows how human empathy evolved based on the model of a russian doll. According to De Waal , empathy involves different levels of processes and cognitive levels. The inner most core, is also its most primitive form and it is called "emotional contagion" defined as our ability to match emotional states with the objects of our empathy. This reaction is completely unconscious. Human babies crying when they hear another baby cry is one example of this. The next evolutionary step is "sympathic concern" - it is defined as concern for another's state and attempts to make the other person feel better. Consoling others is an example of this. It is at a higher level than emotional contagion , because we need a shift in perspective to move from our own emotional states to understanding the state of another. A third empathic level is known as "Empathic perspective taking". This requires us to take another's perspective and understand their specific situation as seperate from our own along with emotional states similar to theirs. So , it follows that both emotional contagion and sympathic concern are necessary for Empathic perspective taking .

What's self-empathy got to do with Empathy?

Self empathy is the first step to empathy. The logic behind it is simple, when someone feels misunderstood and challenged themselves , they would find it hard to empathise with another. Worse , if they are not attuned to their inner emotional states it is not possible to know what we are projecting and what belongs to us. So it logically follows that the first step to empathising with others is self empathy. 

Ok , but what is it exactly? It is not being kind or loving yourself. Self empathy is the ability to observe yourself in an empathic manner. Like empathy for others , this is also a journey but it is an internal one.The observing aspect of yourself goes on a journey with the aspect that is being observed. Simply put , it is to notice and recognise the happenings in your internal world. 

Difficulties and blocks in practicing Empathy

Empathy is a motivated phenomenon. When we let people know about the benefits of empathy , they are more likely to practice it. So , how do people deciede whether to be empathic or not- like how we do a lot of other things - we offset the different costs against the rewards. When empathy costs money or time and can cause distress and other negative emotional states , we tend to avoid it. Even cognitive costs ( if it is too much of a mental strain) , can cause people to avoid empathy. When something is "cognitively costly " , it means that it involves a lot of effort , empathy can be because it involves a lot of uncertainty to follow someone on their journey and then another concern arises- that of misunderstanding called empathic error . These concerns make empathy feel very effortful. Other blocks are time pressures - empathy needs time and a distraction free environment , hard to find in our world these days. While it is good to preach to managers that they should be empathic , in a fast-paced VUCA world, the cognitive costs of empathy also need to be considered.

Other blocks to empathy are the mental costs - the risk of feeling negative feelings like pain , distress etc. Some days when you are overloaded and stressed it is possible that you may become an "empathy miser" largely in part because you are overloaded. It is important to bust this notion that empathy is "effortless". While it is hard-wired in us, we can choose not to engage in empathy eliciting behaviors because the costs are just too much. 

Other attitudes that block empathy are judgements , assumptions and biases ( like halo effect , attribution bias and other cognitive biases).

Lack of self empathy or feeling overwhelmed, hurt and distressed yourself can also block your ability to empathise with others. 

Practical ways of learning Empathy

However reading research papers will not help you to build empathy . It is a skill much like playing guitar or swimming. I believe some people are also ashamed that they have to be taught to be "empathic" , because everyone believes that they are a "good" person. However, empathy is truly going beyond the "good" and "bad" and trying to understand yourself and others. This needs practice. As our society and education system does not help us much in this regard. People coming from homes that were dysfunctional have a harder time being empathic. 

So , not to worry - I have listed organisations and amazing people and practices that you can go to , to practice empathy and build your skills.

1) Non-Violent Communciation : Non-Violent Communication is a practice based way of communicating from the heart where you can develop self-empathy skills and empathy for others. It was developed by Marshall Rosenberg. Learn more about NVC here: https://www.cnvc.org/

2) Empathy Circles by Edwin Rutsch : Edwin Rutsch is founding director of the Center for Building a Culture of Empathy. An Empathy Circle is a structured dialogue process that effectively supports meaningful and constructive dialogue. Learn more here: http://cultureofempathy.com/

3)  Empathic Intervision: integrates empathy into organisations and communities as a developed skill and a versatile tool through training and consultation. They offer courses that can lead you to right up to becoming a facilitator in Empathic Intervision methodology. Learn more here : https://empathicintervision.com/empathy_courses/

Wishing you the best in your empathy journey! Remember when it comes to empathy , failing is always a failing upwards. So keep soldiering on!

References

Eklund, J. H., & Meranius, M. S. (2021). Toward a consensus on the nature of empathy: A review of reviews. Patient Education and Counseling, 104(2), 300–307. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pec.2020.08.022

Riess, H. (2017). The Science of Empathy. Journal of Patient Experience, 4(2), 74–77. https://doi.org/10.1177/2374373517699267

Rogers, C. R. (1975). Empathic: An Unappreciated Way of Being. The Counseling Psychologist, 5(2), 2–10. https://doi.org/10.1177/001100007500500202

Empathy Definition | What Is Empathy. (n.d.). Greater Good. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition

Hot to Help. (n.d.). Greater Good. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hot_to_help

Bariso, J. (2020, October 7). There Are Actually 3 Types of Empathy. Here’s How They Differ--and How You Can Develop Them All. Inc.com. https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/there-are-actually-3-types-of-empathy-heres-how-they-differ-and-how-you-can-develop-them-all.html

Empathy often avoided because of mental effort: People don’t want to feel empathy unless they think they are good at it, study finds. (2019, April 19). ScienceDaily. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190422090847.htm

Cameron, C., Hutcherson, C., Ferguson, A., Scheffer, J., & Inzlicht, M. (2019). Empathy is Hard Work: People choose to avoid empathy because of its cognitive costs. American Pyschological Association.

Breithaupt, F. (n.d.). The Blocking of Empathy, Narrative Empathy, and a Three-Person Model of Empathy. Retrieved May 30, 2023, from https://scholarworks.iu.edu/dspace/bitstream/handle/2022/21552/The%20Blocking%20of%20Empathy.pdf?sequence=1

Gender differerence in human empathy. Theories on the Timbergen four "why's" - Scientific Figure on ResearchGate. Available from: https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Russian-doll-model-of-empathy-extracted-from-de-Waal-2006-and-de-Waal-2008_fig1_27717381 [accessed 30 May, 2023]

Train, K.J. & Niezink, L.W. (2021). The self in Empathy: Self-Empathy (2nd edition). South Africa & France & Empathic Intervision, www.empathicintervision.com.

RootsofEmpathy. (2018, January 15). Dr. Dan Siegel - Five Types of Empathy [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdhMY_DNb1M