Compassion is not about being Nice Dead People

There is a very disturbing trend that I am noticing these days. This trend that compassionate leadership and empathy does not work , when one wants to get things done the soft approach doesn't work.

This belief is based on two assumptions:

1) That being compassionate means being "nice".

and based on this false assumption

2) That being compassionate enables bad behavior and doesn't work.

This is leading people to suppress/ repress their needs or not speak up , when someone is behaving in ways that does not meet the collective needs of the group or needs of the people involved. This is happening actively , where honesty is being punished in favour of a horrible, fake and enabling "niceness" that gives the enabler the feeling that they are "such nice people" because they don't have or recognize an internal compass of integrity and being seen as nice is more important than the larger picture of needs . The people who are enabled continue their bad behavior. And now , there can be no honesty because the whole system has become one chasing a fake , harmony and niceness that is only superficial but does not have the foundation or strength of true integrity, honesty which is needed for deep trust. They will do this by policing your language, linking malice to your intentions when you speak up- so most people will not speak up for fear of being labelled bad. Marshall said "We are not taught to think in terms of needs. We are don't make nice dead people when we are in touch with needs. Dominant structures cannot maintain themselves when citizens are educated to be alive"

For example , if someone uses the space meant for group discussion and work to air personal problems, in this "fake nice" group , no one will speak up to stop them- for fear of being labelled as "bad". If you do speak up , you might get a message from a colleague " Can't you see her humanity ? How could you say that ?. And now, you don't be honest, you pretend you have to put your child to bed and leave the meeting ...This is how dishonesty is created in systems.Well the truth is this person using up the time meant for group discussion doesn't meet my needs for efficiency, effectiveness and productivity. This is also not aligned with the group purpose. This group is not a grief circle. Speaking up for my needs is the most compassionate thing I can do.I can also support this person to find a space to get empathy for their problems. In this way everyone wins.But in the fake nice way everyone loses , people start being dishonest and the whole systems suffers.

The most compassionate people I have ever met are also the most boundaried. I was once in a buddhist meditation retreat and there was a man there who kept interrupting the teachers with questions that showed that he was not listening and were challenging the teachers view point.The constant interruptions became really annoying because he would not let the teacher finish the sentence before making some statement . The junior teachers did try to help. In came the senior teacher , the man did the same with him. He explained to him twice, but he did not listen.The third time the senior teacher yelled at the man and told him not mincing his words, that he can listen , understand and then argue or he can be quiet. I learnt such an important lesson that day. I also had this assumption that being a "buddhist " and being "compassionate" meant I had to swallow my needs and pretend to be "nice". The way the senior teacher yelled he did not look nice at all. But he was the most compassionate person I had come across in a while. He cared so much for this student that he did not care about his self-image and how we appeared to us ( yelling ) , and that this scolding was required for this man's spiritual growth. After the scolding the man was quiet and made more attempts to understand before speaking. It also helped us because the constant nonsensical interruptions were affecting our learning. 

This niceness wave and people wearing "be kind" t-shirts without really understanding what kindness or compassion mean have been more damaging. It has led to censorship. I cannot speak for my needs because I will offend someone- regardless of their behavior and its impact on the group or society. If I do I will be labelled a bad person and excluded from the social circle or lose my job or other opportunities. This whole problem has arisen from our movement towards a narcissistic society where image matters more than substance , being seen as nice matters more than compassion , flattery and skills to navigate egos matters more than honesty. 

If we want to build compassionate systems in our societies , workplaces and families , we all need to study what compassion and empathy actually mean , instead of working from assumptions. Much like the man, who was challenging the teachers without understanding what they were saying , we all need this kind of compassion , that corrects our wrong assumptions and puts us in the right path.

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